One or the other

I've said it before because it's true: Either my bras fit or my pants do.

If I can fill my A-cup, then I can't button my jeans, and this has been the case for most of the past winter. I pretty much ignored the pants-problem by leaving the skinny jeans at the bottom of the stack and opting for a "softer profile." Otherwise known as "fleece." But the issue reared its oversized head yesterday when I was swapping out my winter clothes for summer ones. Sure, my tops looked good (read: when tried on, they had slightly more shape than when they were folded in the plastic tub), but I couldn't squeeze into half of my shorts or capris. So, of the five (okay, maybe seven, well, let's say less than ten) pounds I've gained since last year, about twenty percent have gone to my boobs and the other eighty percent have settled somewhere in the ten-inch span between my waist and my thighs.

Now we all know the last thing a woman wants to do is buy bigger pants. But I also know that if I lose a couple of pounds, my chest is going to go from being convex to concave. So what I really want is Redistributive Liposuction -- where fat is sucked out of places where you don't want it and deposited it in places where you do. (I have no idea if this procedure actually exists, but it should. It's your own tissue! Nothing artificial!) My sister says this is what Spanx are for; buy a tight enough pair and your stomach will end up under your chin.

Actually, I think my stomach is more culpable than my ass in the Great Pants Dilemma of 2012. Everything always seems to settle in the front. Probably because after having accommodated a growing fetus, a woman's belly is permanently wired to expand on a moment's notice. Hell, after a big meal, I can easily look six-months pregnant. (Among friends, that's what's known as a Dinner Baby.)

So, what's a girl to do? Well, I could go for a little longer walk tonight. Maybe even try to pick up the pace. I suppose I could do a few crunches when I get home. Work the core, as they say. Maybe I can get things to firm up enough so that I won't have to buy all new shorts and capris -- or spend the summer in my sweats. But if I burn enough calories that my breasts flatten out completely? Well, then it might be time to stop exercising and start shopping.